I happened to pick up ‘The Art of Happiness: A handbook for living’ and it brought me some insights and links that are surprisingly closely connected to my previous blog. So, I wanted to share this with you. The book was written in 1998 by psychiatrist Howard C. Cutler, based on his conversations with His Holiness the Dalai Lama.
The first thing that struck me was that in the search for how to find happiness, trauma was never mentioned. Even though many of the behaviours and mental states that are mentioned as standing in the way of happiness are often trauma responses. Also, some of the issues raised as mysterious conundrums can easily be explained when there is recognition for the various ways in which unresolved trauma can manifest itself.
I don’t blame either the Dalai Lama nor the psychiatrist for this. 27 years ago there was a lot less awareness of the full impact and pervasiveness of unresolved trauma. And frankly, that awareness still leaves a lot to be desired. I recently read a book, published in 2021, by a professor in clinical psychology who seems to imply that anything less than severe PTSD symptoms that make daily functioning almost impossible means that there is no trauma. However, reading The Art of Happiness alongside the research I am doing for the Beyond the Trauma Wall book, did help me further clarify something I already hinted at in last week’s blog.
As I was reading, I gradually started to realise that there was a layer missing in what the Dalai Lama had to say more than 25 years ago (all of which, in itself, is true) and that that missing layer stands in the way of connecting what he tries to bring across for most people.
Two ingredients the Dalai Lama mentioned for achieving happiness are compassion and service to others. Thinking of myself, when reading that, I know that I have felt compassion for and worked to serve others most of my adult life. However, until recently, that did not ‘automatically’ create connection and openness, nor did it remove fear or loneliness as suggested. The reason for this is that I was in survival mode (due to unresolved trauma). I carried armour and masks and I lacked connection with and compassion for myself, largely without being aware of it. I served others at my own expense, trying to ‘make things okay for everyone’. I was not able to show my authentic self openly. In part, this was because a subconscious need to protect myself and in part because I did not know my authentic self (I’m still getting acquainted).
I do think the Dalai Lama was genuine in his advice. He likely has been able to resolve what trauma he may have carried, and is able to be open and authentic because of that. He simply speaks from his own experience of what works when saying that it is that simple. I do believe that it is relatively simple when you reach a certain point of resolving (or having escaped) trauma.
However, saying to the general public ‘go ahead, there is nothing to it’ is like saying to someone with both legs in casts that it is easy to go up a flight of stairs. ‘Just put one foot on the first step and then the other foot on the next one. Look, I’ll show you.’ It really is that simple, with two functioning legs. Once the person in the casts has healed, they will be able to learn to do that again and will eventually find it simple too. But right now, it is impossible and not particularly helpful advice.
This is essentially behind what I mentioned in last week’s blog, that there are no real life-hacks, short cuts, or ways to give meaningful advice to someone who has a very different experience to yours. Advice or self-help books tend to be written from the standpoint not to say ‘this worked for me’, but to say ‘look, this is how you should do it, it is easy’. This is not very helpful. All we – who are not trained trauma therapy experts – really can offer each other is being there for one another in a non-judgemental way, to hold space, as I mentioned in a previous blog, HERE.
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