You may have heard it said that trauma is not caused by what happened, but by how we respond to what happens, internally. This is true, but I think it is incomplete. It panders to the desire to put something incredibly complex into a few words or a short sentence. The shortest way I can think of to formulate what is really meant, is as follows:
‘Trauma is not caused by what happens, but by how we respond to what happens (internally)… and that is heavily influenced by how connected and supported we feel, which in turn is largely determined by whether we felt connected and supported as a child – or if we didn’t, by the extent to which we have been able to process and resolve that.’
This is rather more of a mouthful. But I feel the addition is essential, because without it there is a serious risk of people being told – by others or by themselves – that they ‘should just change the way they respond/react’ to extremely stressful situations. Something that happens a lot. It is interesting – and somewhat frightening – to see how well-intended and essentially truthful advice and suggested can get twisted, weaponised, or unintentionally be more harmful than helpful.
Self-help books, videos, and courses – as well as an entire ‘wellness’ industry – come with all kinds of ‘hacks’ and advice on what you need to aim for to attain mental health and personal growth. The end goals, such as self-love, mindfulness, surrender to uncertainty, letting go of judgement and resentment etc. are all perfectly valid and laudable. The problem lies in the suggestion that the way to get there is to simply try harder at it. This is very unlikely to work and therefore will lead to further frustration and a sense of failure.
While in my own journey of discovering and processing my trauma, I never felt drawn to trying to find shortcuts or hacks, I did recognise that some of these aims, which you can’t avoid hearing about even if you never go anywhere near self-help, would seem helpful. However, I also quickly discovered that while, for example, it made sense that I needed to learn not to get so upset about certain things, trying very hard not to be upset when I was, obviously wasn’t going to get me anywhere.
On the other hand, I also discovered from time to time that when I had simply been working through some issues, processing the emotions and experiences, suddenly, I found that I had made some progress in one of the things that I wasn’t able to get closer to by trying.
I have also found, through sharing and comparing experiences with other people in my life who are on their own ‘trauma journey’, that everyone has their own journey, has to find their own path and is at their own stage of it. It is helpful to have other people to share and find recognition with. But it is not possible to give or receive advice in any meaningful way. Because even when we can see that someone else is further along the process than we are, and should therefore have the understanding of what it takes to get there, the information they can share often doesn’t make sense until we have reached that stage ourselves and look back.
There are no effective life-hacks that I have been able to find. Unless you want to classify ‘accepting that you just have to go through it and see where it leads you’ as one. And ‘try to find people you feel safe with and can share with what you are going through’ as another. That’s all I have got.
So yes, it is about your reaction, not the event. But saying: just react differently, is meaningless. Try to find support and safety, and see if that can help you process the events and experiences before they turn into trauma, or to resolve the trauma that you have carried as a result, makes much more sense.
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